Spring Equinox and Freedom

The thing before the thing

I have been collecting and drinking maple water.

I have been eating lightly and simply.

I have been releasing and receiving.

I am ebbing and flowing.

There are tides within me.

~

Spring equinox here in Vermont is a time of honoring those fluctuations. The changes are not subtle here. Spring is sometimes a violent affair. March “In like a lion, and out like a lamb,'“ the saying goes.

My teacher, Fearn Lickfield, of the Green Mountain Druid Order reminded us all at an equinox ceremony last weekend, that it is this exact intensity that cracks open the seed casings, allowing the new growth to emerge. Freeze and thaw, howling winds, frigid and pounding rains, interspersed by glorious, ever-warming, sun.

Spring equinox here does not look like what we commonly imagine as spring: there are no flowers yet, in fact, there is usually still a foot of snow on the ground and a fresh storm coming, and we are definitely not even close to turning off the heat, still needing a big wood pile.

But - the light.

Flirting with us, akin to the light at Autumn equinox yet blue-hued and mist-laced.

The thing before the thing.

….as my good friend Eyal wrote in a recent poem and I found so perfectly fitting.

Song of Spring

Hope erodes, almost imperceptibly,
As the Dark Season comes,
And the long nights hang heavy,
In the closet of my Heart.

Like a glacier, carving rock, so patiently,
That even the rock scarcely remembers 
Its native form,
When the great work is done.

So it is with the changing seasons,
Darkness envelopes,
The temple purged of light,
And one impossibly forgets how color and warmth
Once carried the soul.

But, lo, when the tide does turn,
A sacred whisper from the depths,
Prior to the smell of mud or tree in bud,
It is 'the thing before the thing', 
A primal hymn in the sanctum of your being,
So arrives the gift of Spring.

If Hope were a thing to be remembered,
As the trickled song of flowing water
Beneath the icy tracks that trace 
Your Winter wanderings,
The memory would awaken and feel as this:

Like the defiant spear of a daffodil piercing upward;

Like the answer to a prayer that you never dared utter;

Or the keeping of a promise, even older than the Earth.

-Eyal Amiel

~

My husband has been musing on freedom. And he has come to understand that freedom is not to choose between this or that, but to choose to say no. Opt out. Not play the game.

On the other side, I see that it also means to choose YES. To invite in new and greater than ever before imagined.

It takes more effort to choose your own adventure.

At the same Equinox ceremony last weekend, we shaped a snow ‘egg,’ sweetened it with maple syrup, and poured out prayers for the warm season ahead into it. Then ate it!

One of my affirmations is that ‘abundance is a part of my story.’ And it has already come to fruit. Ceremony at Dreamland is potent. I have found my intentions to manifest every time, in one way or another.

My husband and I are actively working with a wonderful group of people to live on a piece of land in community. We have been meeting for the past 2 years, and weekly, with strong intention to get organized and clear in our needs and intentions, for the past 6 weeks or so. Last night we had the money conversation.

Each of us shared intimately exactly that is in our bank accounts. Our needs, hopes, fears, healing and healed stories around money and in relation to what we can offer in cash dollars and in other currency into the community.

Firstly, what brave, committed, beautiful people to bare themselves/ourselves in that way to each other, when we are generally in a culture where those things are not discussed openly.

And secondly, we all have so much to contribute, even when perhaps we thought we had nothing, or might even feel burdensome to the group. We have builders, healers, gardeners, farmers, herbalists, medicine makers, muscle, musicianship, creativity and positivity. We have children. We have trucks and tiny homes and domes. And we have cash dollars. And this is just 7 adults.

I am healing on many levels. I am turning 40 this year, and I carry shame around not owning a home yet. My husband and I have always known getting a mortgage was not for us. It just doesn’t make any sense to me: taking on potentially crushing debt until I am 60 or 70? Without extra cash for family trips or experiences? To have to sell it for retirement or because it’s to big to manage when I am older? I know there are a lot of places for more spaciousness in this vision, but still, it doesn’t make logical sense to me, even though it is tempting. If so and so has this? Why can’t I? Why don’t I?

Because we hold a vision that allows for more freedom. More freedom in relationship with the Earth, the preciousness of life, the expression of relationship with responsibility, self responsibility, with elder care and death care and birth care. With occupation and income. With feeding ourselves and educating our children. We hold onto idealism and realism - and honestly, community and living more lightly seems like to most practical answer to me right now.

~

I am also experiencing healing of physical patterns in my body that I thought wouldn’t or couldn’t shift. I had thought that they were too deeply established, or that I am too old.

But after this recent Panchakarma, hip pain is uprooted that I have experience for 4 years. Abdominal pain is gone that has been mysteriously fluctuating over the past year. This winter I have experienced the least depression I have for as long as I can remember. After an amazing myofascial breast care class with a friend, I feel like I have tools to go deeper into this shoulder/breast/hip stagnation and keep on clearing and rewriting the patterns after breastfeeding and co-sleeping for 8 years of my life.

There are not quick and easy solutions I can give you to the how of healing, it’s multifaceted. Panchakarma, massage, basti therapy, Healy, herbs, yoga. But I can say that I kept searching, trying, and I dedicate time to myself. When my body feels better, my mind is more clear. I am a better and more present mother, partner, friend, teacher.

After my fasting, I am ready for more and deep nourishment. My body is open and ready to receive it, my fire ready to assimilate and integrate.

And quietly bloom.