Whale Love and Wild Sex
Where are you self sabotaging? And a tale by Sharon Blackie
My husband and I have been married ten years. I feel incredibly proud of that.
Not that a number defines success, but within that, there is an implication that within that time a lot of tough stuff has come up and we have worked through it and are on the other side together and for the better.
This is most definitely a truth in our case. A large number could easily simply mean that within a partnership there is a grasping for the longevity and more focus on a stubbornness on sticking through even though the reality is there is not growth and perhaps only an increase of resentment and pain for one or both people.
There are certainly times when we have both had to grasp to the intention and larger, long-term vision in order to make it through particularly tough spots. We can do this because we know each other is doing the inner work, and we can be patient. And because ultimately, our values include increasing intimacy and lessening the grip of ego in order to open us up to divine love within our partnership.
We are working on consciously creating and community living situation, and part of that is laying down a framework, on paper, or video, or some sort of record-making, that starts from an opens curious place about assumptions we all have. What do we each want to get out of community living? Why do we even want it?
I was never asked these things before I got married, my husband and I never talked about our hopes, needs, aspirations…pr perhaps we did but I don’t remember. I think we went into it with certain assumptions. I realize how much of a religious institution marriage is (I believe to be based on natural urges and needs, not just oppressing them) and how some have a pastor or rabbi to ask them these questions and set intentions and put expectations and assumptions on the table.
How we did not have that, and we have worked through over the years to bring those things to the surface, say them, discuss them, lay them out. And still have plenty more to do I am sure. :) But I can completely understand why so many contemporary marriages don’t last. Yes not only because our cultural shadow, no matter how Puritanical our roots, urges us to fulfill every desire, and become more and more individualistic, but because most of us don’t have guides and also feel shy or disinterested in doing that work.
That’s something I am seeing changing in myself regarding creating community, and I am grateful for the time to shift my perspectives and change my mind.
Wild is anything but out of control.
To be wild, is to be intensely disciplined. In the ‘wild,’ if you are not disciplined, you die. You waste vital resources with unintelligent use of energy, and may not survive. An unintended pregnancy, and resources are used to make and birth a new life and neither may survive if the season is wrong. A separation of the pack or tribe, and certain resources that are not always abundant are divided perhaps due to a misuse or misdirection of energy, and it is more challenging to survive.
Our modern lifestyle promotes abundance, we can have or get whatever we want whenever we want it. I think we can all agree that this does not equate to more happiness or satisfaction, and so to rebel, we are returning to this idea of ‘the wild.’
The wild and a deeper connection with nature, Nature that is endlessly patient, while also on a perfect rhythm that doesn’t wait for stragglers.
Within our relationship there are many seasons. The seasons of life, pregnancy, breastfeeding, postpartum, parenting, not. My menstrual cycle. Cycles of health and wellness and illness. Intimacy in our sexual relationship comes with seeing these cycles, seeing the body is many different forms, and knowing and trusting the ebb and flow and the gratitude and trust when it is time to come together.
The wild sex comes only with the well-earned intimacy.
I had a subtle yet still powerful wake-up call last week.
My husband had the flu, I was fighting it off, while solo-parenting. My kids were sick the week before. I was feeling really dark, being mean to everyone, thoughts running through my head which included ‘if i had any time to take care of myself I’d be such a better parent, partner, etc.’ ‘I am sacrificing myself to care for this family,’ to ‘I want to kill myself.’
((Please don’t worry about me or comment on this particular share - if you have never had these thoughts pass through your head you either 1. Don’t have many water signs in your birth chart or 2. Aren’t a human ;) ))
When I am low physically, my mental health suffers greatly, my husband as well (Basically everyone.) But of course, we have our own particular pattern and relationship around illness in our bodies and household that we are working through.
My husband called me out when I said I was suffering, in some other words, when he was just starting to recover, and said ‘you have all these tools from yoga etc and I don’t see you using them to keep yourself mentally healthy and strong.’ I was really insulted and told him as much and that I didn’t want to have the conversation.
But he was right. After I accepted my emotional reaction, I was able to respond. To take his words, along with some self compassion, to get out of self pity. The self-pity ego wanted to be validated by being seen and recognized for my efforting and sacrifice. The truth is, it’s not special. This is part of the maturing in motherhood and partnership, the suffering and sacrifice is not special. Getting stuck in the needing to be witnessed is actually hindering my personal growth and expansion.
This is what Brigid communicated to me as well, in a recent tarot reading I did, with the aspiration to connect with her That one of my biggest blockages to moving through some of my ancestral wounds and patterns is this needing my strife to be seen. My efforts to be recognized.
(Above, said tarot reading, with the reversed hanged-man in the central spot with the 6 of wands crossing over it.)
The fruit, the reward, is not to be recognized and awarded, but to live and meaningful, present, and fulfilled life through maturing into life’s demands. The suffering is the resistance to change and though it can be part of the maturation process, it only gets in the way of the pleasure of presence.
A story that brings this home to me is the first chapter, first story in Sharon Blackie’s book Foxfire, Wolfskin and other Stories of Shapeshifting Women. I read it years ago, and it was a story that helped to wake me up, that what I wanted was only being kept from me through self-pity and escapism. And in this case, particularly with regards to intimacy and sexuality.
There are many layers to the story, of course, and you will have your own ah-hah and take away. Within the story, also, there is pregnancy loss, and there may be other openings and healing specifically for women who have experienced this in their lives.
I have recording myself reading this story from her book, and included it below as a bonus for paid subscribers. ((Thanks BEYOND for your support of my writing, I’d love to hear from you and know how it lands with you, any time.))